Monday, October 28, 2013

Frustrations, More Frustrations, and Prayer

Dear Family-

So, I made a list throughout the week again so hopefully I'll remember everything I wanted to talk about and such. First thing was last Monday. It was our P-day and we went and played ultimate frisbee and let's just say I am pretty dang good at it. haha. I should have joined Beau, Dallin, and Sean's team during spring cause I was actually pretty good at it. Anyway, we played it with a bunch of elders in our zone and a less active from our ward. His name is Cameron and he is awesome. He is planning on going into the Marines after high school but he would be an amazing missionary so maybe we can get him to change his mind!

Then Monday night we cleaned and rearranged our apartment because we had interviews with the mission president on Wednesday and that meant we might have a surprise apartment check. We were moving this mini-couch in our apartment that is puke green and super heavy for how small it is. We moved it across the room and brought our beds to the other side of the room next to the heater because it is starting to get cold. When we moved the couch, there was a squished cockroach under it! It was way gross so we just vacuumed him up. That was about as exciting as Monday got.

On Tuesday, we had a good, busy day. We did a lot of running around that is for sure. Then somehow we accidently got stuck with two dinner appointments. So we had our first dinner with the Hancocks who are amazing people. They are super shy and you can tell they have really low self-esteem and they are kind of struggling right now. We had two helpings of their food to be as kind as we could even though we knew we had another dinner appointment and I was seriously about to die. I was full after my first serving...haha. Our second dinner was with the Aldridges and he is the second counselor in the bishopric. He owns his own company and he just takes pictures just like National Geographic. So jealous! They are seriously the best family. We went over to celebrate her birthday and he made steak and cheesecake. I am getting so fat!! All these members keep feeding us all this food. Man, at least I have been eating so that's a good thing, right? There has only been maybe two dinners where I thought I was going to die if I tried eating it because it looked so gross but I was okay. I found ways to eat them. 

On Wednesday, we had our president interviews. The assistants just trained us while he took one person at a time to interview. My interview with the president was super awkward. I had like nothing to say or complain about really and anything that I was struggling with was something I could handle and didn't need to tell him so we really had like absolutely nothing to talk about. So he just asked how the family was and stuff like that and it was probably the shortest interview out of everyone there. For some reason I just have been struggling a lot this week. It started on Wednesday. Sometimes around other missionaries I feel extremely inadequate. I feel like a bad missionary when I am around leaders and others and it makes me super self-conscience. Then, I feel stupid that I care so much about what they think about me that I then get even more frustrated with myself. That was about everything for Wednesday.

Thursday was the hardest day of the week. First off, Mom, your package came at the perfect time. I actually started crying when I got it. You really don't need to send me as much as you do. I feel so bad that you do all of that for me. But, I do want you to know how much I appreciated it and how much it helped me get through this week. Thursday, we went and helped Daisy move all of her stuff out. Daisy was in some of those pictures I sent home (which I hope you saved those because for some reason my camera erased all of the pictures that I had on my that was really frustrating). Daisy is moving back to Maryville which is in the Independence Missouri mission. It was a really sad day. She has been so loving and has helped us out with so much, investigators and ourselves. She has such great faith and is a very inspiring person. Then we taught Linda. This was our third appointment with her and this was the most spiritual lesson I have had so far on my mission. Linda's daughter was there and Linda asked us to share what we had taught her with her daughter because "she had to hear what we had to say". It was a great opportunity. Her daughter loved the idea of the Book of Mormon and about modern day prophets and she said "I'm gonna have to get me one of those books". We said we could give her one and she was just glowing. Then she wanted us to meet her son. She has a 15 year old son that she said just hasn't been feeling the need for having God in his life and that he needed to meet us and see our examples. So, he came out and he was just shocked that we were so young and he just kept saying that he had so much respect for us. We kept saying that it's not us. It's the Lord. It was just so FREAKING AWESOME! Seeing the gospel change lives is one of the greatest things you could ever witness. I got so emotional when bearing my testimony and I kept apologizing but you can truly feel the love the Savior has for everyone. The Spirit was just so strong. Then Linda actually interrupted us and told us that she wasn't 100% sure if everything was true but that pretty much she believed in the Book of Mormon. You could see how happy she was. The church is true everyone! It was an amazing experience and it was something that wasn't huge. It was just a simple lesson but it was monumental because she had found her faith and she was receiving answers from her Heavenly Father.

Right after Linda, we had the exact opposite experience. We are teaching a less active named Sister Lopez. She has gone way off the deep end with studying doctrines and such and she meditates and believes in just....I don't know how to best describe her so you can understand. She is very Buddist-thinking and believes in reincarnation and being spiritual and not having religion. Just all over the place. She doesn't believe in Satan. Stuff like that. Doesn't believe in wrong or right just that you have choices. She is super argumentative and challenges and manipulates everything we say. Everything. It is exhausting. When we leave my spirit is just exhausted like I have just fought a war. She was worse than she has ever been...literally contradicting everything we said. But, this was also the first time that we actually stood up to her (with love and respect, of course). Instead of just blowing off the things that she said that weren't true and focusing on the things she said that were true, we actually addressed when she was off in her doctrine. She pretty much said that she was spiritual enough to make it to heaven without organized religion. This killed me because that's almost like saying that she didn't need the Savior's sacrifice. Man, I just wanted to cry. I felt bad because she says she doesn't have any friends and no one is accepting her and so it made me feel awful but Sister Fisher and I knew we needed to stop coming to see her. When we told her she was really upset but the only reason she wanted us to come over was for her to argue with us. I realized that she has been taught all of the doctrine and the principles. She knows the truth but she must gain faith and then act on that faith. We cannot give people faith. Faith is something every individual must gain on their own and then they must choose how to act once they have that faith. We couldn't do any more for her until she learned to put her trust in God and to act in faith....and that broke my heart. I started crying the minute we got in the car. I felt that as representatives of Christ we should not have walked out because Christ would have never walked out on her. It was really hard because she is that one lost sheep and we had failed in our efforts to help lead her back. The rest of the day I just literally struggled. I felt like a horrible missionary.

To make things worse, this week has been really hard because I have really been homesick. But everytime I felt homesick, I would get so frustrated with myself because I realized I was thinking about myself and not my investigators and, therefore, I was being a bad missionary. So this whole week I have been frustrated with being frustrated pretty much. haha. I'm just....I'm trying so hard and I feel like I'm always missing the mark. I see so many others who are amazing missionaries and I feel like I lack in every aspect of missionary work. In D&C 4 it says serve God with all you heart, might, mind, and strength. I felt that I wasn't giving Him my all when my mind would wander off about home and those I left behind. Then, I just found myself getting frustrated with myself for doing that.

Because I was in a bad mood, I was becoming frustrated with my companion. Now, I love Sister Fisher to death. She is amazing and is an amazing missionary. But her obedience level is sometimes too much for me to handle. I have not always been an obedient person. It is something that I have greatly struggled with growing up. Not only that, I struggled with trying to never look like a "Mormon". This past year I have grown and changed a lot. I'm not afraid to look like or show that I am a Mormon anymore. I have tried to be a lot more obedient. But I still am struggling sometimes. It's never with the big things. It is always the little things. I get frustrated with her because she has always been so overly obedient in her life that she seems unreal to a degree. The minute I feel that she is becoming unreal, I start putting up a wall. I don't trust easily and it's something that has been my biggest struggle out here. I want to trust my companion and it frustrates me because her obedience makes me feel so unworthy sometimes. It's as if she is looking down on me. This, by the way, is with things that are like super small that are not even in the white handbook. I just wanted to cry this whole week.

Anyway, that was a long tangent but back to Thursday. That night we had dinner with the Morgans and the other sets of elders in our ward. Brother Morgan asked us each to share the part of our testimony that we treasure the most. After having such a rough day and on the verge of tears, I wasn't very happy to do this because I knew how emotional I would get. I hate more than anything showing emotion. I hate crying in front of people because it makes me feel so weak. But, I would love to share with you the part of my testimony that I treasure the most. The part I treasure the most is my testimony of prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. I know that Heavenly Father hears me and more than that I know He answers me. (See...I am almost crying at the computer right now.) I know I am not good with words or things like this. I don't like showing emotion and I have a hard time explaining how I am feeling. But I know that prayer is always the answer. He will always listen to me. Just like at college, Mom, when I would call you for things that were stupid like can I wash this in the washer? You still always answered me. Just like our parents here on earth, Heavenly Father will always answer you no matter how small and stupid you may feel your worries are. And just like you wouldn't hesitate to call your parents with a question, why would you hesitate to talk to your Heavenly Father? He will answer you. He does hear you and I know that He lives and that He loves me. I know He knows me by name and that as long as I always have faith, I will never need to fear what is to come. I don't think I can even begin to express how much I treasure the ability to talk to my Heavenly Father. Just like President Hinkley said, "When life gets too hard to stand, kneel."

This Sunday we found out the new stake boundaries. The way that the boundaries have changed has pretty much demolished our proselyting area into nothing really. We now are split between three wards and the other wards already have sisters and both our elders areas are now taking up all of Carondelet. I'm still new at this so I don't know if I am explaining this in a way you can understand but pretty much it's a 75% chance that Sister Fisher and I are going to be transferred. This Saturday is transfer calls so we will find out then. Right now we could stay in our zone or be completely moved to another zone. We are just having to put our trust in our leaders and learn a little patience as we wait to find out where we are going. Hopefully, they don't split us up but we might be opening a new area for sisters by next week. Hopefully all goes well!

I love you all so much!!

Love-Sister Lundy

PS. Please send me Maddi's and Michael's email addresses.

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